What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 11:49
My mum and dad in the seventies!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But it wasn’t much.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She found it foreign!.
All the time i was locked up.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
(And it was in our own minds.)
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I could never make a relationship work though!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She married twice! .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Ive learnt so much.
Im still living with it.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Can you explain the difference between God and atma according to the Bhagavad-Gita?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Do people really have sex with animals?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But, we were locked up after school.
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I was seconnd youngest,
Was to survive, this bastard.
I think the readers, may guess!
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Who then, do I blame.?
He knew the spot.
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I waited trembling.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Would this be the day?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I never cut or harmed myself..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Why did i forgive my father ?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We were not on the streets..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We all went to grammer schools
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I couldn’t, believe it.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
It was going to be , some day.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
So, i spoilt her more .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
When she asked me how she looked .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
One cannot live in the past .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She wouldn,t have been !
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I have no regrets .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As i do to all so called friends.?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I write beautiful poetry .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was very sick at this time too.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Especially a lifetime of it.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My life is so biszare .
I was scared of men, in general
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Comes on , in middle age.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Put me off passion for life!!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She loved him until the end.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I don,t even have a pension.
My family never makes their pension either.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
So whats the point in blame.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was 9 years of age.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
This is soul school!.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And i lived it daily.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
What did i know ?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I will be 64.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But ive been too sick for many years..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She was in good health!
I said to her